By Richard Johnston
Baker interview coming up, but first.
JOHNSTON'S GUIDE TO MAKING THE MOST OF SAN DIEGO - AND STAYING
me how many people go to the San Diego Comic Convention every
year, indeed any major comic book convention, yet don't take
advantage of some of the many options available to you in
terms of both entertainment and self improvement. Well, here's
my Top Ten list of making it a better convention all round.
MAKE FUN OF KLINGONS. Or people in Sailor Moon costumes.
Or that bloke who dresses up as Too Much Coffee Man. No, seriously,
they're the entertainment. The court jesters as it were. They
expect you to trip them up as they walk past, ruining their
prosthetic foreheads as they fall onto the ground. Also make
sure you ask anyone in a Star Trek uniform what the medical
requirements to join Starfleet are. Like height, fitness and
not having a belly that needs a wheel. Also, men, refrain
from checking if the Klingon standing next to you in the urninals
has a ridged penis. It's never going to go down well.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE BRITS. It's San Diego, it's the
West Coast, it's eight hours time difference to the UK. Which
means when it's 10pm for you, it's 6am for these guys. They're
wasted. When it gets round to 1am, they will agree to anything.
They'll tell you what Bill Jemas is really like. They'll give
you all the money in their pockets. And their passports. And
they'll happily sign a work for hire contract for an ongoing
series. A Brit in San Diego is an accident waiting to happen
and an opportunity for some old fashioned American grifting.
from Grant Morrison. He is a special case with his very own
time zone. You try to f**k with him and he will leave you
penniless, naked and gibbering about wildebeest.
PORN STARS ARE HUMAN BEINGS TOO. You'll find a number
of 'glamour models' dressed up as comic boom characters in
costumes that need special shaving. Take time out to talk
to a few. Make eye contact, not breast/crotch contact, it'll
be a pleasant change. You'll often find a highly intelligent,
irony conscious, witty human being under the (very little
amount of) red PVC. And the odds are, you're going to be the
most intelligent, witty person they've talked to all day.
And what's more, you're not going on about a) comics or b)
you know, you can check them out when they look in a different
direction. Just be quick.
HAVE SEX. It's remarkable just how easy it is to pull
at a comic convention. There are a few useful things to remember.
Firstly, this is away from home. Anything people do here "doesn't
count" in the real world, and people try on new personalities
- often the kind of personality that doesn't mind letting
it all loose. Then there's the personal appearance issue.
If you comb your hair, shower (twice a day), dress in something
other than a Buffy t-shirt, and have mastered the art of not
having halitosis, then you're streets ahead of the game.
now though. I'm a good boy.
LOSE WEIGHT Eat a big breakfast. Hell, you've already
paid for it if you're at a hotel, stuff yourself. Then walk
the con. San Diego is big, Really big. You'll never find everything,
but that doesn't mean you can't try. Take water, you won't
need lunch, and if the breakfast is big enough, it should
last you until you start drinking at the bar. The walking
and the comics/books/small plastic doll carrying beats any
weekend convention can lose you over a kilo.
TEASE THE OLD TV/FILM STAR. There will be booths where
someone you don't recognise, is selling signed photos of themselves
as a child actor or as a Star Wars character in full prosthetic
make-up. This will be all they ever achieved and they believe
you'll find it worthwhile to spend $10 for a photo with them.
sane-minded individual would do such a thing. But it can be
fun to see just how low they degrade themselves in a photo,
just to get that $10. May I recommend you bring along vegetables,
tape and novelty teeth.
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