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COMIC AT WAR II

Waiting For Tommy Vol. 12 - November 06, 2002

IMAGE STARTS WAR WITH ITSELF

In an attempt to get itself noticed, Image Comics declared last night that it was at war with itself.

"All these other companies do is sneeze and they've got a three part sycophantic Pulse article. What do we have to do to get a little attention ‘round here?" declared president Jim Valentino.

Region states Top Cow and Todd McFarlane Productions began a limited exchange of fire. Initial fatalities included Larry Marder and David Wohl.

Valentino declared victory when several news sites, including this one, began to pick up the story and hostilities quickly ceased.

SCOTLAND CONSIDERS BREAKAWAY STATE

The Scottish National Party considered a new strategy in its ambition to become an independent state last night, announcing the 'ring-fencing' of its comic book creator talent.

"The comic book creator community of Scotland is a natural resource that both England and America have sought to exploit without the full dividends going back to Scotland."

Listing Grant Morrison, Alan Grant, Gary Erskine, Mark Millar and Frank Quitely as national treasures, the spokesman went on to add "Scotland contributes far more sales in the comics book market than any other country, per head. Did you hear about Wal-Mart's deal on The Ultimates?"

If an independent state is not set up within a year, the SNP is threatening to invade Grant Morrison's home and occupy it. And Mark Millar will be blown up.

Joe Quesada is believed to fly in to act as an ambassador at a local Pizza Hut.

PRICE CRISIS

The price of comicbooks rocketed last night as threats of a licensing war began to firm up. Sanctions on the rest of the world imposed by Hasbro over their popular Transformers, GI Joe and He-Man licences were joined by Viz Communications line. The very real prospect of comic book fans going without Japanese schoolgirl fantasies and robots kicking the spit out of each other have caused Amnesty International to write to world leaders.

An Amnesty spokesman said in a press conference,

"We believe that life without nostalgic fantasy soldiers beating each other up, is no life at all for millions around the globe. We urge those who can make a difference to look within their hearts and do what is right."

President George Bush replied "Amnesty International can kiss my ass, and that's government policy. Why should anyone from abroad have the right to enjoy kicks, explosions and little panties when we can't even get Ty Templeton's parody Silver Age covers?"

JIMMY PALMIOTTI CONSIDERED THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY

Co-creator of 21 Down, Jimmy Palmiotti's booze and drug fuelled antics have been considered a national menace after he caused the San Andreas Fault to crack and California to nearly drop into the sea.

Palmiotti stated to paparazzi camped out at his house "Look, we had a few drinks, things got out of hand, I had no intention to almost cause the death of millions. But, you know, a guy's got to have fun."

What caused the earthquake is yet unclear but it's sure to involve a critical mass of strippers, converging to form a point of gravitational singularity on Palmiotti's lap.

Thankfully Superman was on hand to get angry, go back in time, and sort everything out.

For now, Palmiotti's house is surrounded by military security and he will be closely monitored throughout next year's summer convention season.

Friends of Palmiotti considered it the third best night out they've ever had with him.

 

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