IMAGE
STARTS WAR WITH ITSELF
In an attempt to get itself noticed, Image Comics
declared last night that it was at war with itself.
"All
these other companies do is sneeze and they've
got a three part sycophantic Pulse article. What
do we have to do to get a little attention ‘round
here?" declared president Jim Valentino.
Region
states Top Cow and Todd McFarlane Productions
began a limited exchange of fire. Initial fatalities
included Larry Marder and David Wohl.
Valentino
declared victory when several news sites, including
this one, began to pick up the story and hostilities
quickly ceased.
SCOTLAND
CONSIDERS BREAKAWAY STATE
The
Scottish National Party considered a new strategy
in its ambition to become an independent state
last night, announcing the 'ring-fencing' of its
comic book creator talent.
"The
comic book creator community of Scotland is a
natural resource that both England and America
have sought to exploit without the full dividends
going back to Scotland."
Listing
Grant Morrison, Alan Grant, Gary Erskine, Mark
Millar and Frank Quitely as national treasures,
the spokesman went on to add "Scotland contributes
far more sales in the comics book market than
any other country, per head. Did you hear about
Wal-Mart's deal on The Ultimates?"
If
an independent state is not set up within a year,
the SNP is threatening to invade Grant Morrison's
home and occupy it. And Mark Millar will be blown
up.
Joe
Quesada is believed to fly in to act as an ambassador
at a local Pizza Hut.
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PRICE
CRISIS
The
price of comicbooks rocketed last night as threats
of a licensing war began to firm up. Sanctions
on the rest of the world imposed by Hasbro over
their popular Transformers, GI Joe and He-Man
licences were joined by Viz Communications line.
The very real prospect of comic book fans going
without Japanese schoolgirl fantasies and robots
kicking the spit out of each other have caused
Amnesty International to write to world leaders.
An
Amnesty spokesman said in a press conference,
"We
believe that life without nostalgic fantasy soldiers
beating each other up, is no life at all for millions
around the globe. We urge those who can make a
difference to look within their hearts and do
what is right."
President
George Bush replied "Amnesty International
can kiss my ass, and that's government policy.
Why should anyone from abroad have the right to
enjoy kicks, explosions and little panties when
we can't even get Ty Templeton's parody Silver
Age covers?"
JIMMY
PALMIOTTI CONSIDERED THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY
Co-creator
of 21 Down, Jimmy Palmiotti's booze and drug fuelled
antics have been considered a national menace
after he caused the San Andreas Fault to crack
and California to nearly drop into the sea.
Palmiotti
stated to paparazzi camped out at his house "Look,
we had a few drinks, things got out of hand, I
had no intention to almost cause the death of
millions. But, you know, a guy's got to have fun."
What
caused the earthquake is yet unclear but it's
sure to involve a critical mass of strippers,
converging to form a point of gravitational singularity
on Palmiotti's lap.
Thankfully
Superman was on hand to get angry, go back in
time, and sort everything out.
For
now, Palmiotti's house is surrounded by military
security and he will be closely monitored throughout
next year's summer convention season.
Friends
of Palmiotti considered it the third best night
out they've ever had with him.
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