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IF I WERE A BAD COLUMNIST
By Jim McLauchlin
Three things-EXACTLY THREE THINGS!-I know with all certainty:
1) The sun will rise tomorrow in the east, setting in the west
2) Cars are only slightly more reliable than women, so you should always have a good socket set at the ready
3) I am not a bad columnist. But if I were, I might write a column like this:

ITEM! Warren Ellis said something today. I don't even remember what it was, but I'm sure it was suitably pithy. All that matters is that whatever Warren Ellis says must be treated in a manner befitting what it is: Wisdom from on high, manna from heaven, beautiful truth constrained only by the bounds of ugly language that cannot begin to approach the grandeur that is His Ellisness. Oh! If He only knew how I love Him! If only I could stand in His shadow, bask in His Illuminated Glory! Did I mention that Transmetropolitan is the seminal work of Western literature, even though nothing really happened in 60 issues? Oh, the rapture of a Warren Ellis missive! Oh, I cannot even begin to express my joy at a "Bad Signal" in my inbox! Oh, words fail to describe the transcendent joy! Oh.oh.Bollocks!

ITEM! Bill Jemas said something today. I don't even remember what it was, but I'm sure it was utter claptrap. See, everything Bill Jemas says is wrong, 'cause he doesn't ever agree with me. What's he know? He's just a guy with a degree from Harvard, while I am a guy with over 10,000 comics in my mom's basement, including a full run of the obscure, yet seminal, Omega the Unknown. (By the way, I have a great idea for a new Omega series, but I'll be damned if I give it to Marvel while Jemas is president there!) All I know is that whatever Bill Jemas says is a load of.ballacks!

ITEM! Hot rumor time! I read on somebody else's Website somewhere that an "Avengers" movie is green-lit! It'll be a big-budget Hollywood production like you often hear about, as opposed to one of those mid-budget West Hollywood productions like you rarely hear about. Steven Spielberg has been "attached" to produce ("attached" is a Hollywood insider-y word, so you KNOW this is true), and Heath Ledger has already been signed to play the winsome Wasp! Sounds great, right? Well, maybe not. Rumor has it that the most important Avenger of all, Stingray, is not in the first draft of the screenplay, which hasn't even been written yet! Jeez! Yet another example of those fat-cat execs and Hollywood "suits" who can't get anything right! Don't they know the depths of the Stingray character? Don't they realize that when Stingray ordered a cheeseburger, off panel, in Avengers #209, it was the most touching moment in comic history? Bahlacks! When will that damn Hollywood establishment get it right? There's only one solution: Sign my online petition at: www.NoStingrayIsBahlacks.com We'll send a message to that damn "Schindler's List" guy!

ITEM! This is a paid commercial announcement on behalf of CrossGen Comics. Sigils am good. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ballaques.

ITEM! Remember all that stuff I wrote last week about a famous comic writer who was holding hands with George Michael in a public men's room? Well, turns out my anonymous e-mailer who informed me of this, BobaFett-23, was wrong. I've been advised by Mr. Michael's lawyers that I should print a retraction. So I will. I'm very, very sorry, and I'll never print unsubstantiated bolloques like this again.

ITEM! E-mail spy ScullyMadam tells me she was just at a pet store where she saw loveable bald-headed comic writer Brian Michael Bendis and Richard Gere.buying gerbils! Can you believe it? Given the George Michael situation, I'm reluctant to speculate, but I figure an anonymous e-mail from an "X-Files" fan just has to be true! Sounds like bad bhallackhs for Bendis to me!

ITEM! Some guy who I don't know sent me e-mail saying he went to a Burger King and saw a guy there eating a Whopper value meal. The guy had a beard, so it must have been Alan Moore. Alan Moore was joined at the table by a man walking on two legs, so he must have been Joe Quesada. (Incidentally, I met Joe Quesada at the 1993 Pittsburgh Comic Con. I looked under the table where he was sitting, and I can confirm: Joe Quesada has two legs. It must be true!) Anyway, Quesada, who opted for chicken fingers and barbecue sauce, was negotiating to sell Marvel Comics to Alan Moore in exchange for an old copy of Captain Britain. Moore, in turn-and this is where it finally gets a little unbelievable-was going to sell Marvel to Burger King, whereupon Spider-Man would be immediately ordered to go over to McDonalds to kick Mayor McCheese's ass. This has a "I am perpetuating heresy beyond belief, but people will still believe it" value of 3.14159 out of 53. Ballax!

ITEM! I heard from a guy who said he lives 17 blocks from an office building that might be the office building that DC Comics is in that DC will start printing all its comics on cheese instead of paper. That way, when "The Mad Pulper" goes mad and shreds a comic, they wind up with delicious shredded cheese, and DC will have "Fiesta Mexican Friday" with free enchiladas for the whole staff for lunch. This sounded like a bunch of ballucks to me, so I sent an e-mail to GeneralMailbox@DCComics.com at 3 AM on Sunday and didn't get a reply within 20 minutes before I went to press with this (Even though, geez, I guess there's no "press" at all) and got no reply. So you know it's true!

ITEM! That's all the bollouques I have for now. But please remember: If you are hallucinatory, have an ax to grind, are a methadone patient, are flat-out stupid, like making shit up, or see leprechauns who tell you to burn things, please keep sending your insider e-mails here. We'll have another great column of innuendo for you next week! I have to go now. I just got an e-mail from the foreign minister of the small nation of Bruenuei, and if I send him some money now, I'll get a 10,000% return on my investment in six months!

Next Week: Unrecognized Geniuses.

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