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Waiting For Tommy XVIII
I'm sitting here with Peter David, currently writing Captain Marvel as part of Marvel's U-Decide promotion - and winning. He's also been a critic of a number of Marvel's more controversial policies, and is currently conducting a poll to see whether retailers really agree with Bill Jemas' policy of no overprinting. With both Young Justice and Supergirl now officially cancelled at DC, Captain Marvel is David's only current regular monthly book. With rumours that even if Captain Marvel wins the U-Decide promotion in terms of sales and revenue, the book will only continue with a new writer, David agreed to talk about a number of these issues.

Yes, this is an actual interview, no, I didn't make it up, you can ask Peter David about it here.

RICH JOHNSTON: Peter, writing for Marvel, a publisher who you seem to be constantly at odds with might seem to outsiders as a stressful relationship. Bearing that in mind, do you ever think that ants will replace humans in the evolutionary cycle?
PETER DAVID: Interestingly, they already have. We're just unaware of it. It's sort of like the notion that, if the universe were consistently shrinking and all units of measurement were shrinking in like proportion, how would we ever know? The fact is that anyone who's ever looked down on any major city during rush hour (or lunch hour) is fully aware that everything we believe about our primate ancestry is wrong. Compare ants at any given moment to apes lounging around in a monkey house. Ants are, in fact, our closest evolutionary relatives. I mean, yes, the argument can be made that as opposed to ants, we bear our young living. But really, in a world where Rob Schneider keeps starring in movies, can that truly be called living?

RJ: I'd call that nature's way of telling us it's time to go. Have you yourself experienced any attempts by ants to replace you with a simulated Peter David suit, filled with millions of ants in an attempt to take over the world? If not, why not?
PD: It was being considered, but frankly, they simply weren't satisfied enough with the sales on my comic books to make it worth their while.

RJ: Moving on, you're well known for inspiring strong feelings amongst other comic book professionals. With John Byrne using his message board to repeat allegations against you that you've already tackled a number of times, who do you think was the best character in the American TV sitcom Cheers, and why?
PD: Have to say Norm. First, because of weight considerations. Second, because he's the only person on "Cheers" to have his own catchphrase. And third, because it's rare to see someone who asked so little of the world and got it.

RJ: Is it true that all of us want to be Sam, would settle for being Norm but when it comes down to it, we're all Cliff to a man?
PD: It's funny that you should bring that up. It's a little known fact that know-it-alls were worshipped as divine in Egypt, until the foremost of them, Amhoptoetruk, used a dead cat to beat a rug and, well, let's just say there were some repercussions from that. I'm sorry, what was the question?

RJ: I forget. Blame it on the ants. I do. So with Young Justice being cancelled at DC, and Supergirl now getting the axe, will clouds ever become sentient in their own right? And if they do, how will that affect my holiday in Sudinia next year?
PD: Clouds were actually sentient at one time long ago. Indeed, when they first became sentient, they strangled the dinosaurs. Eventually, however, they were conquered by a highly evolved lighter-than-air cloud-faring race who live upon them to this day. They come to earth every so often to check our progress. One of them was responsible for writing the song "Castle in the Cloud" for "Les Miserables" and was promptly beaten to death upon his return for producing such an insufferably annoying tune. As for your holiday, I wouldn't be concerned since Sudinia does not, in fact, exist. It disappeared from the knowledge of man over 100,000 years ago when it was mysteriously consumed by ants.

RJ: They're in it together aren't they? Ants and clouds, the bastards. What's our last line of defence against them? Can we rely on America's Star Wars system to defend us? What if George Lucas doesn't make any more?
PD: Well, the thing is, I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow, they're just incredibly boring because, y'know, they're sodding clouds. And yet, no matter how remarkably dull they are, they're still more interesting than "The Phantom Menace."

(At this point, the very mention of The Phantom Menace caused both Rich Johnston and Peter David to fall to sleep for two hundred and fifty-years, when they woke to a utopian society created by ants. Death had been eliminated, humans and ants lived together in peace, until Rich Johnston started spreading a rumour about Ant Number 41336627288939000405119649, causing a universe-wide panic and both Peter David and Rich Johnston being exiled in time to thirty seconds after they first went to sleep. You can see the still sleeping bodies of Peter David and Rich Johnston, waiting to be ant-woken, at the London Museum until January 15th when they will be moved to Belgium and buried in peat.)

WAITING FOR TOMMY appears every Wednesday at http://www.dynamicforces.com. Spread links everywhere and bookmark it now, you bastards.

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