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ZOMBIE SHOTS & PUMPKIN CARVING... THERE WILL BE SEEDS!
 SEND THIS TO A FRIEND!
By Brian Hofacker
You know who carves up some kick-ass Halloween pumpkins…. Me! Last weekend Stately Brianjames Manor hosted its annual Drunken Pumpkin Carving Bash. It was a night filled with seeds, booze and crazy family members … and the occasional severed thumb or two. By the end of the night, the place looked like a pumpkin puking party. This party is just one of my many Halloween traditions. Of course, most of these traditions I can't mention or remember or involve top secret super hero business of fighting space monkeys, but a few are fit for print. For instance, on Halloween night, I like to sit on the fancy wrap-around front porch of Stately Brinjames Manor, drinking cheap red wine and reading Poe… which is really just my lame attempt to look smart while scoping out all the hot moms in the neighborhood. I also like to lend a hand back to the community by visiting the local costume shops and helping poor undecided gals choose between the naughty pirate costume or the sexy vampire. That’s right, my opinion counts and I like to use it to keep Halloween beautiful. And of course, I loves me some horror comics!
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 Adventure into fear #16 (1973): Man-Thing versus the Village People! Does it get any scarier than that? The scariest part of this comic is the shirtless dudes on the cover. Given the choice, I would totally take on the Man-Thing rather than fight those dudes… uh… you know what, I’m going to go read some Avengers or X-Men.
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 SHIRTLESS INVASION (1973): Long before the Secret Invasion, the Marvel Universe was attacked by a bunch of shirtless dudes wearing hard hats. The pulse-pounding battle pictured here is taken from the musty pages of Adventure into Fear #16, an issue that was meant to usher in one of the greatest events in Marvel Comics history. Fortunately, Man-Thing stepped in and stopped the insanity before someone lost a nipple.
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 HOW TO FIGHT MONSTERS: This foreman from Adventure into Fear #16 knows how to fight monsters…. I guess construction workers keep torches on hand in case there’s the need to rid the work site of Frankensteins or hunchbacks.
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 The Tomb of Dracula #19 (1973): At last, the greatest question in vampire history is answered… Dracula does sleep with his shoes on.
This week's coupon code is only good until November 1st! BB110409 saves you $5.00 on your next DF order placed by November 1st! And, we'll through in a free copy of The Living Corpse signed by Ken Haeser!
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 HOWL WE ROLL: You can’t match Dora The Explorer socks with a Disney Princess nightgown. Somebody better buy this kid some Garanimals!!! That’s like keeping your Marvels and DCs in the same box. Or playing with G.I. Joe and He-Man figures at the same time. Or mixing potato chips and pretzels in the same bowel. Or wearing a Nascar hat with an NFL jacket. Silly werewolves… no sense of style.
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 HIGH PAY JOB IN DRAFTING (1973): You know what’s scary? The building you are standing in could have been designed by a guy whose education came from ordering some pencils and a protractor through a comic book. I wonder if this is how Mr. Brady started out.
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 “ManCountry” (1973): Unfortunately the retirement plan for this position leaves no country for when you get old. Wocka Wocka Wocka!
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 FOR THE BIG BOYS & GHOULS: If you're looking for something totally pure awesome for your Halloween party this weekend, check out these zombie shots that I found over at www.igeektrooper.com This is pretty much one of the coolest things I've seen for Halloween all October. And it's how we are going to be celebrating the holiday in the office today!
The web address is here:
http://www.igeektrooper.com/2009/10/geek-diybrains-shots-are-a-zombies-drink-of-choice/
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 the devil's rain (1975): This movie boasts the tagline “Absolutely the most incredible ending of any motion picture” and scared the crap out of me as a kid. This movie is the reason I don’t trust goats or go to petting zoos. Ernest Borgnine plays the part of Satan and has a goat head and… never mind, I’m getting scared.
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 GRIT (1973): I’m making a public service announcement:
This Halloween, beware of that creepy GRIT kid. He may look like the usual trick-or-treater with his pants hiked up to high and dressed as no-neck freak show, but do not be fooled. That is not a costume.
This is a GRIT peddler and he will do whatever it takes to sell you GRIT. His evil mind is set solely on making his $1 to $6 a week, or receiving great prizes like an adorable plush cat with an AM radio in the tummy or a bag of plastic leap frogs! Do not give him candy! Do not invite him in. Do not pass Go! Do not collect two hundred dollars! Or you will become assimilated into the power of GRIT! You have been warned!
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 Veterinary Assistant: I like to think that a veterinary assistant is a rather important job and should probably require more than "at home training." After all, how many cat cadavers do you think a company can legally send through the mail? However, if you make a few changes to this ad, it becomes one of the coolest things ever.
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 ISN'T THAT BETTER!: See, a bit of totally fine Photoshop work and this ad makes perfect sense. If you think this is expert Photoshop work, then you should know that I can put people heads on monkey bodies like nobody's business.
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 GOATS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Look out, that thing has devil eyes. Yeah, this may look like a cute picture of Cailtin feeding a goat at the Cape May Zoo. But let’s take a closer look at those goats….
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 Giant-Size Chillers #1(1974): "Closer-- Closer!! Come just another step closer!” A monster after my own heart. A few weeks ago my pal Andy and I went out to a bikini contest and the night turned into something like this.
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 LOOK OUT, LITTLE GIRL!: Here’s a closer look at that photo. Ha! See that! Don’t trust goats! They are likely to turn into Ernest Borgnine… I mean Satan.
-- "Hey, Mr. Borgnine, how was it playing Satan."
-- "Not ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d."
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 Costumes: Could we be more cool! Don't answer that. Just keep in mind that in the naughty closets of Stately Brianjames Manor there sits a bottle of vodk and a Wonder Woman costume…. Just imagine.... and with just the right amount of that vodka, I look damn good in it too!
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 Eerie #47 (1973): Is there any better way to celebrate Halloween than drinking whiskey and reading Creepy and Eerie magazines by candlelight in the attic of Stately Brianjames Manor… I’m sure there is. Now I’m sad.
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 Vampire & The Ballerina (1973): Twilight, eat your heart out! They just don’t make ‘em like this any more! In 1973, this direct to 88mm was a smash hit for both fans of vampires and ballerinas. I can’t believe there wasn’t a sequel…. I also didn’t know that Dracula liked the ballet.
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 Weird Wonder Tales #10 (1975): Really, lady! Well then why don’t you take the kid out of the room while the monster tries to straighten up a bit before he saves you all from an alien attack and then dies with a lone tear drop falling from his monstrous eye.
You know what, monster, you can come home with me and clean my place… you don’t mind wearing a French maid outfit, do you? I like your shorts. Is cuddling out of the question?
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 MAGIK #1 (1983): Hey, Kool-Aid! Oh yeah! Now we’re talking. This weekend I am going to celebrate Halloween by reading the entire Magik limited series, and I am going to drink until the cover of this comic book talks to me…. And then I am going hide under my bed and sing the Care Bears theme song to until I get sober. This is going t be the worst idea ever.
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 Next time: You’ve all been waiting for it… A very special edition of “What’s in Brian’s Bin” that could only be titled… “The Long Hard Road Out of Baltimore!” and it features this gal dressed as Cheetara!
More later….
Your pal,
Brianjames!
About Brian Hofacker: When not out saving the world from space monkeys or rescuing damsels in distress, Brian works for Dynamic Forces and Dynamite Entertainment, conducting interviews and producing reviews of comic books. Brian also writes a weekly column, “What’s in Brian's Bin” for DF. If you would like to be interviewed or have product that you would like reviewed for Dynamic Forces, please contact Brian at brian@dynamicforces.com
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